Missing my wife and my son on Christmas Day

I called my wife and my son in Calcutta (Kolkata) when the clock struck midnight there to wish them a merry Christmas. Just because we are Hindus doesn't mean we don't like to spend Christmas and New Year together. That wasn't possible this year, I am still in Singapore. But they are constantly in my thoughts. I can see them on my computer screensaver.

I see pictures of my son as a schoolboy and more recent photos of him wearing a tux on some big occasion at his college in America -- and pictures where he is swaddled against the snow, taken last winter on his college campus.

There are also pictures of my wife as she is now and taken long ago, shortly after our marriage. She looks heartbreakingly beautiful. Her eyes are so innocent and trusting. Otherwise she would have never married me, for I wasn't rich or bright or highly qualified. I don't know what she saw in me but we fell in love and our parents realised there was no point standing in the way.

Somehow I did end up working in Singapore. But she is still teaching at a college in Calcutta. I never found the courage to ask her to leave her job and come to Singapore: I was always haunted by insecurity at my job.

My misgivings proved right when I had to accept voluntary retirement a few months ago. I must have been found wanting, not worth my salt. Someone nevertheless was kind enough to give me a second chance. But the pay is less and I am still on trial. That's why I couldn't go to Calcutta for Christmas. Nor could my family come here. My son, who arrived in Calcutta from his college in America on Wednesday, had no time to get a visa here.

My son was offered a place at a university in Singapore when he finished school in Calcutta two years ago. But he was also offered scholarships in America. One reason I didn't encourage him to come to Singapore was that I was already worried about my job. He would have been on his own if I had to leave Singapore, I thought, so why ask him to come to Singapore when several of his schoolmates were going to America?

So here I am alone in Singapore on Christmas Day, thinking of my wife and my son, seeing their pictures on the computer, and about to call home. I will speak to them as soon as I finish this post. I called them twice yesterday and once after midnight. Now I want to hear their voices again.

Meanwhile, to anyone who stumbles on my blog, merry Christmas.